Guilt like a Vine of Ivy

I am always confused

I woke up at 10:30 this morning feeling so awfully guilty for it. I could have gone to the gym by now and eaten breakfast by now. Instead I’m here feeling the oil in my morning hair. I hate the feeling of waking up late in my room. It’s always hot even with the fan going. My eyes can’t open far enough.

I think of my need of routine, how I know I value it in my life though I can never stick to it. I wash my hair everyday and it’s exhausting, I don’t even like the way my hair looks and I don’t have enough money to get a haircut right now and if I did I’d probably cry at the sight of it being shorter. I go to the gym for a few months everyday and feel great before life gets in the way and I quit for a bit and the guilt that sits with me for not going is unbearable. My dad always tells me life is in constant flux of good and bad days and I must remember that.

I don’t know why I’m yearning for similarity in each day. I guess I want something more to hold on to.

What I’d love even more than routine is for the guilt of existing to cease. I feel so guilty for my body taking up space, and for not always knowing what to say. I tell people I want to be a writer but then I stare at them with nothing to say in their times of trouble. I feel so guilty I cannot save my friends and I feel guilty that I am a selfish human being.

I feel guilty for being more opinionated than I used to be, but I still have a hard time sharing my opinions, and I feel guilty for that too.

I feel guilty that I don’t believe in myself as much lately, I always feared thinking that I “couldn’t do it.” I told myself as a child to never become an adult because I was afraid to give up on my dreams.

The books tell me to unlearn, go back to that childhood wonder. My dad tells me you have to tell yourself you’re doing a good job. Even for going to work, even for eating breakfast, even for taking a shower. My therapist tells me to remember that safe feeling in my chest, the one where I close my eyes I think of a quiet forest.

I hope to someday uncondition my mind so that these are the thoughts I think instead of guilt. I hope to remember my hope. Sometimes I think I need to learn more when I think lately I just may need to unlearn.

I feel guilty for continuing to talk about the past, and I feel guilty for worrying about my future. I feel guilty for doing anything “wrong.”

I feel guilt for not having enough metaphors in my writing and I feel guilty about the amount of times I have said guilt.